It's Monday already, just one more day until I meet with the surgeon at Sunnybrook. Phone calls and e-mails of thoughts prayers and worry are coming in every day. Messages of support. Even e-mails that tell me how to avoid cancer (too late!!!) by never eating fruit AFTER a meal and on and on. Assurances that they know someone who had a hysterectomy and now they're fine. They feel great. And my big cousin John worried almost to tears to hear the news. I felt almost worse for him. I don't feel yet and yet I know thoughts of death haunt me all the time... way before I ever had any idea I had anything as scary sounding as "low grade Stage 2-3 endometrial cancer". I read the internet survival stats. Another friend writes on Facebook "Stay away from the internet. You'll get scared to death". Or something close to that. A little knowledge is indeed a dangerous thing...or can lead to dangerous thinking at least.
Today I went to Tony Crema's wake, Susie's dad. He was just 80. A healthy vigourous man until this cut him down. He suffered terribly for the last year or so with colon cancer. A slow, long and painful death. He suffered terribly. And the family with him. I'm not to keen on that. But I don't want to face the possibility of an unsuccessful outcome either.
I can't help but think of those who have gone down the cancer road before me. Some are still here. Others are not.
And yet, I do not "feel". I am numb. I am not panicked. It an odd empty barren feeling. I guess I am at sea. Until Wednesday.
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