I was lying in bed after having finished Coppermine, Keith Leckie's new novel that we're reading for our book club. Interesting story, kinda corny happy ending riding off into the tundra but okay...I'd finished ita 3 m. Still enough time to sleep at least six hours before I got up to remake the guest room bed for Sean who would be coming in from Prague that nigh...okay...And then the phone rings. . I look at the clock,..it's just a bit after nine. "Hello, Lauretta? This is Joyce from Dr. Shime's office..." "Oh, yes.." I answer.
"Doctor Shime would like to speak with you."
"OK".
"Hello Lauretta".
"Hello Dr.Shime".
I'm cradling the iPhone which was on my bedside table.
"The pathology report came back from thism mornig".
"Oh, yes" I say.
"The found you have some cancer in the lining of your uterus. I'm sorry".
"Oh..I see....I guess that means a hysterectomy"
"Yes...I'm sorry to tell you this.I thought it looked kind of funny when I did (the d&C 9 days before). But I don't do that procedure. I'd like to make an appointment for you at Sunnybrook. Will you let me take care of that for you.
Yes, of course. Thank you."
Is your schedule flexible".
"Yes, it is"..I am very calm.."Good. Joyce will call you with details for the appointment."
"Okay, thank you." So that was it..I closed the phone. And put my head back on the pillow..
"Huh..I have cancer"...How do I feel?" I didn't.
That was my first minute of knowing I now had the big C. All sorts of stuff startied going through my head.
I didn't feel much of anything, strangely enough (maybe it isn't strange at all. Maybe it's typical. It was just like a "Oh..wow. .huh? Pretty inarticulate, insensate stuff. ..A few minutes passed and I phoned Jean, my good good friend, who had had cancer, who works with cancer patients at Wellspring, who'd come with me to Women's College last week for the hysteroscopy. We talked about it. Yes, I was alright, I assured her. Then I phone my mother..who was equally calm at least on the surface. I spoke in calm measured tones. No, I'm okay mom...Then I phoned Priscilla, also more or less calm but I knew she'd be freaking out inside. That was the shortest call. "Okay then, talk to you later"..Then my sister Bruna..and I started to choke up as I heard her surprise and heard her starting to choke up. But we were all so calm, murmuring reassurances and so the day went.
Somewhere during the day I thought..maybe I should start a blog to chronicle this..it's going to be ajourney, an adventure..a ?, a what...and to where...
Trying to get a grip I thought a blog would help..so there it is...Day One. August 25.
After that I went to the internet and googled Cancer of the Uterus where I found I was the ideal candiate:
Pst-menopausal, around 60, never pregnant, diabetic, early starter, late finisher (for my periods and..oh yes, overweight. Okay, technically obese! Wow..they should have my picture on a stamp..or at least a poster.."Does this woman look familiar? - She's the endometrial cancer poster girl".
All of asudden I was tired. Not even scared. Maybe just stunned.
Then came the call from Joyce. "You know, I was a bit stunned this morning, Joyce..exactly what kind of cancer do I have"..It says he a low grade stage 2/3 endometrial cancer. You have an appointment next week, August 31 at 11 at Sunnybrook. Dr.So and so..
And so it goes.
I'm signing off for today because it exhausts me to say it all again.But I'll say more tomoorw. What I want to do is include pictures of my brain as all the thoughts wind through it, curlicues and mazes of half-thoughts and wow, huh, what happens next and all sorts of probably understandable and predicatable reactions that everyone who has ever heard the words "you have cancer" experiences.
Except that I never had. And now that's all changed.
I try to be clever and funny about it but I know I am ne.rvous inside. I breathe and try to speak calmly, in measured tones, etc. Until Wenesday, don't think until Wednesday..I don't sleep well. To top it all off, I have a house guest, 23yrs old. I don't have the energy to go an pick him up. And the traffic is awful anyway. Prill phones at least 4 times, each time I have someone else on the other phone.
It's a long first day with the big supposedly low grade "C".
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