Mi stringe il cuor...

I think it's from an opera.. But here in the middle of the night, that wave of sadness came over me. It might be hormonal. Rowena warned me about this because of the hysterectomy. But I was also thanksgiving today and we had a beautiful meal. My sweet little mother put herself out to make her incredible gnocchi from scratch, little angel pillows of potato dough, light as a feather. Bruna, my deR sister who doesn't evn read this blog(harrumph!) brought the gift of wonderful Torta de mele, apple cake, for me from her friend Anna. I was just floored by this amazing generosity all around me. I think it was my mother packing me up with stewed prunes, baked apples, frozen packets of 'bledis' beet tops, good for me, trying to not betray the worry for me being home without someone to take care of mr. But I saw it cross her face. Mara Q came by back from her triP to Italy and Austria with the loveliest little handcarved nativity with a liile baby Jesus that come out of his mothers lap. Then Bruna and Paolo drove me home. Paolo my handsome almost 17 year old nephew..so much love poured out on that boy from all of us..me his Zazz "can I hug you?" he's shy and unexpectedly solicitous. I know he worries too. We all do. CAlm on the surface, anxious underneath, afraid to say any of that out loud. And that's why tonight I cried maybe for the first time. Prill was here and sat with me as I kept breaking down...until I was calm and able to breathe deeply again... It's probably the hormones but that doesn't mean my heart isn't wrung or wrenched or just wrapped tight by all of this. Sad, blessed, grateful all the while and allay the same time.