Sunday, 9 October 2011
Mi stringe il cuor...
I think it's from an opera.. But here in the middle of the night, that wave of sadness came over me. It might be hormonal. Rowena warned me about this because of the hysterectomy. But I was also thanksgiving today and we had a beautiful meal. My sweet little mother put herself out to make her incredible gnocchi from scratch, little angel pillows of potato dough, light as a feather. Bruna, my deR sister who doesn't evn read this blog(harrumph!) brought the gift of wonderful Torta de mele, apple cake, for me from her friend Anna. I was just floored by this amazing generosity all around me. I think it was my mother packing me up with stewed prunes, baked apples, frozen packets of 'bledis' beet tops, good for me, trying to not betray the worry for me being home without someone to take care of mr. But I saw it cross her face. Mara Q came by back from her triP to Italy and Austria with the loveliest little handcarved nativity with a liile baby Jesus that come out of his mothers lap. Then Bruna and Paolo drove me home. Paolo my handsome almost 17 year old nephew..so much love poured out on that boy from all of us..me his Zazz "can I hug you?" he's shy and unexpectedly solicitous. I know he worries too. We all do. CAlm on the surface, anxious underneath, afraid to say any of that out loud. And that's why tonight I cried maybe for the first time. Prill was here and sat with me as I kept breaking down...until I was calm and able to breathe deeply again... It's probably the hormones but that doesn't mean my heart isn't wrung or wrenched or just wrapped tight by all of this. Sad, blessed, grateful all the while and allay the same time.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
It's not over til its over
Ive ben home almost two whole days now. Prill and Rowena packed me up from mom and dad's and we made our way slowly down to Parkdale, avoiding as much traffic as we could and as many bumps in the orad as we could. because bumping doesn't help, I'm here to tell you. I couldn't wait to open the door of my house. The Hemp in the foyer is perfect. The Farrow and Ball Blue Ground is a nice change but I'm not 100% sure yet but it is a great improvement. On looking at it again I am tempted to call i Immaculate Conception Blue..not my favourite colour..but it works with the wood and it'll be there until I can't stand it anymore. Which will be a few years yet.
Prill and Rowe made up the beds upstairs, one for me, one for Nurse Rowena. What a privilege to have one's own friend and nurse to calm all the uneasiness that still beleaguers. me.
It's hard to know if it's the drugs. I am down to one oxy when needed and trying to do with extra strength Tylenols . I have Adavin for night time but I am afraid to take it. I am afraid of letting go.
Blaine, God bless his little OCD soul, cleared all the decks in the kitchen and, even though it took a while to find a few things, it was immeasurably improved. And I meekly agreed I would do my best, do my duty, to God and to my Blaine to try to keep a place for everything and everything in it's place. ("For now" the little demon in me whispered).
The first night, I didn't sleep well again even though I took the Adavin. All this is boring talk, I know. If things don't go well, I will not likely be one of those people of whom it is said, "oh,..she was in a lot of pain..but she never complained". I am not sure I will be an award-winning stoic. But I am determined to document the process, the thoughts, the feelings of what I am going through. I cannot imagine I am so different from everyone else. And it sometimes gives you courage to keep going when you know it's part of the process and not just something that will never end.
Like falling asleep. Like the problems with constipation. Update...last night I tried a suppository. Wasn't more impressively successful that the Sennokot or Colace (red pills). This is maybe the most annoying part of the recovery. I am afraid to eat anything I think may constrict or impede. And I will ask Prill to get me something Rowe said is called TUCKS which are little pads that ease bum pain in the you know what...which is, of course, burning because of the constant effort.
This morning Rowena left after kindly spending the night by my side til I finally fell asleep on the couch (where I often fell asleep anyway pre surgery). I might try it again tonight. I saw her this morning as she left for Carleton Place and home with Nic and Kate at about 7:28. Later I saw she'd left a little note: Lauretta you were sleeping deeply. I love you. HEAL. REST. Rowena.
Thank you for making me feel so safe, Rowena. It means so much. It makes me want to do the same for someone else. That "not being alone".."don't let me die alone" etc. is something we hear echoed in tales of the sick and dying. Perhaps it's because we are not meant to be alone. We are born from someone. We started connected. So it is some how terrible if we leave disconnected.
Anyway, then I hauled myself up to my own true bed and slept for a couple more hours. Then down here after 10.
Blair, my dear friend, came brightly up the stairs with two soft boiled eggs for breakfast just as I was about to tuck into my roughage and fibre filled cereal. So instead I had eggs, a bit of bread and 1 can of V8.that's probably good, right? That shouldn't hurt.
It's been a glorious two days and I can't tell how exquisite the light has been coming through my eyebrow window in the morning, all golden and green, just the top branches of the giant maple in front of the hous. I feel like I'm in a tree-top aerie.And when I come down, it seems to me that today the sky is the colour of the hallway walls and I like that Idea. The trees are all golden with bits of red. And I look around my room and see all the signs of love and well wishes...Dorothea's beautiful orchid, John and Sue's jade plant with a heart shaped stone imbeeded in it that says "family", Ron's card with a maple leaf waxed and pressed to it, Rowena's Roncie treats: organic figs, Panda licorice, halvah and Barley's Naturally Better Mints. Another beautiful unexpected bouquet of fuschia day lilies and snapdragons from Sergio, Antonia, Delia and her Mihevcs! I am feeling so coddled and cared for.
So, two days and now, early this morning, Rowena left to go back to her family. Prill will come for the weekend and then ?. .not sure if I will go back home to recouperate some more or just take one day at a time as it comes here. Blair and Blaine will be hear. Mary Fran will be back on the 15th. I have lots of stuff all around me to do and read and places to lie down and snooze if I wish.
We'll see. We'll see. Happy Thanksgiving, Deo Gratias, for all this.
Prill and Rowe made up the beds upstairs, one for me, one for Nurse Rowena. What a privilege to have one's own friend and nurse to calm all the uneasiness that still beleaguers. me.
It's hard to know if it's the drugs. I am down to one oxy when needed and trying to do with extra strength Tylenols . I have Adavin for night time but I am afraid to take it. I am afraid of letting go.
Blaine, God bless his little OCD soul, cleared all the decks in the kitchen and, even though it took a while to find a few things, it was immeasurably improved. And I meekly agreed I would do my best, do my duty, to God and to my Blaine to try to keep a place for everything and everything in it's place. ("For now" the little demon in me whispered).
The first night, I didn't sleep well again even though I took the Adavin. All this is boring talk, I know. If things don't go well, I will not likely be one of those people of whom it is said, "oh,..she was in a lot of pain..but she never complained". I am not sure I will be an award-winning stoic. But I am determined to document the process, the thoughts, the feelings of what I am going through. I cannot imagine I am so different from everyone else. And it sometimes gives you courage to keep going when you know it's part of the process and not just something that will never end.
Like falling asleep. Like the problems with constipation. Update...last night I tried a suppository. Wasn't more impressively successful that the Sennokot or Colace (red pills). This is maybe the most annoying part of the recovery. I am afraid to eat anything I think may constrict or impede. And I will ask Prill to get me something Rowe said is called TUCKS which are little pads that ease bum pain in the you know what...which is, of course, burning because of the constant effort.
This morning Rowena left after kindly spending the night by my side til I finally fell asleep on the couch (where I often fell asleep anyway pre surgery). I might try it again tonight. I saw her this morning as she left for Carleton Place and home with Nic and Kate at about 7:28. Later I saw she'd left a little note: Lauretta you were sleeping deeply. I love you. HEAL. REST. Rowena.
Thank you for making me feel so safe, Rowena. It means so much. It makes me want to do the same for someone else. That "not being alone".."don't let me die alone" etc. is something we hear echoed in tales of the sick and dying. Perhaps it's because we are not meant to be alone. We are born from someone. We started connected. So it is some how terrible if we leave disconnected.
Anyway, then I hauled myself up to my own true bed and slept for a couple more hours. Then down here after 10.
Blair, my dear friend, came brightly up the stairs with two soft boiled eggs for breakfast just as I was about to tuck into my roughage and fibre filled cereal. So instead I had eggs, a bit of bread and 1 can of V8.that's probably good, right? That shouldn't hurt.
It's been a glorious two days and I can't tell how exquisite the light has been coming through my eyebrow window in the morning, all golden and green, just the top branches of the giant maple in front of the hous. I feel like I'm in a tree-top aerie.And when I come down, it seems to me that today the sky is the colour of the hallway walls and I like that Idea. The trees are all golden with bits of red. And I look around my room and see all the signs of love and well wishes...Dorothea's beautiful orchid, John and Sue's jade plant with a heart shaped stone imbeeded in it that says "family", Ron's card with a maple leaf waxed and pressed to it, Rowena's Roncie treats: organic figs, Panda licorice, halvah and Barley's Naturally Better Mints. Another beautiful unexpected bouquet of fuschia day lilies and snapdragons from Sergio, Antonia, Delia and her Mihevcs! I am feeling so coddled and cared for.
So, two days and now, early this morning, Rowena left to go back to her family. Prill will come for the weekend and then ?. .not sure if I will go back home to recouperate some more or just take one day at a time as it comes here. Blair and Blaine will be hear. Mary Fran will be back on the 15th. I have lots of stuff all around me to do and read and places to lie down and snooze if I wish.
We'll see. We'll see. Happy Thanksgiving, Deo Gratias, for all this.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
The apple of our eyes is gone
Such sad news to hear that Steve Jobs died today I was going to say " passed away" which certainly sounds better than he "passed" which seems to be the current parlance. We are afraid to say "died". He touched so many lives, he had so much passion. He wanted these amazing objects he created to unite people. I love him and thank him because he cared for beauty and science. Thank you Steve Jobs! You let us play with the wonders of the universe. You delighted in delighting us. Thank you. May light embrace you!
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Taking Adivan-tage of the situation...
Sometime you just cain't hep yoself.
Anyway I am under the influence as I write this. Rowena is here in the next room "on call". Could I ever ask for better friends? What would be the point? I already have them. Still a bit of pain, still a bit of breathing panic but last night I just went to sleep and woke almost 8 hrs later. I can't recall sleeping like that in years. Also slept all morning and then more in the aft. Wow!
Good night, all you angels of mercy gathered round me!
Anyway I am under the influence as I write this. Rowena is here in the next room "on call". Could I ever ask for better friends? What would be the point? I already have them. Still a bit of pain, still a bit of breathing panic but last night I just went to sleep and woke almost 8 hrs later. I can't recall sleeping like that in years. Also slept all morning and then more in the aft. Wow!
Good night, all you angels of mercy gathered round me!
Monday, 3 October 2011
Being in stitches, busting a gut and Harry Belafonte
Be prepared for a series of bad puns...
Let's start with Harry Belafonte... Or in my case it's more hairy belly fountain... That's was my belly was.. Actually more like a fountain fire.. That's what it felt like.. Hot around those 40 plus stitches.. Which came ot today. I asked Dr Paula to save them for me.. I might do something crafty with them, I said. Earrings? Necklace? Who knows? But they look like little sideways crabs- 2 legs/arms with a little peak in the middle. Cancer..the ultimate crab.
Busting a gut.. Now I possibly could given that the stitches are out each side is now pulling for it's own, I guess. I find myself protectively holding my belly all day in case it ecides it doesn't want to stay friends with the other side..
Andone more thing before I hopefully deft off to dreamland.. The last two nights found me sleepless until 4 and 3 am respectively. Why? I felt one night I cVoulnt breathe and last night I couldn't swallow. Not being able to sleep or being awakened when you are just about todrift off by the need to breathe or swallow.. All resulting in no sleep for hours.. You understand how it can make you crazy. Well guess what, folks? There's an answer: it's called Adivan.
Thank jean, Rowena for the suggestion to take it! Thanks Dr pPaula for realizing my reactionsare probably more to anxiety than asthma. I will let you know if any of this is true. Nighty night!
Let's start with Harry Belafonte... Or in my case it's more hairy belly fountain... That's was my belly was.. Actually more like a fountain fire.. That's what it felt like.. Hot around those 40 plus stitches.. Which came ot today. I asked Dr Paula to save them for me.. I might do something crafty with them, I said. Earrings? Necklace? Who knows? But they look like little sideways crabs- 2 legs/arms with a little peak in the middle. Cancer..the ultimate crab.
Busting a gut.. Now I possibly could given that the stitches are out each side is now pulling for it's own, I guess. I find myself protectively holding my belly all day in case it ecides it doesn't want to stay friends with the other side..
Andone more thing before I hopefully deft off to dreamland.. The last two nights found me sleepless until 4 and 3 am respectively. Why? I felt one night I cVoulnt breathe and last night I couldn't swallow. Not being able to sleep or being awakened when you are just about todrift off by the need to breathe or swallow.. All resulting in no sleep for hours.. You understand how it can make you crazy. Well guess what, folks? There's an answer: it's called Adivan.
Thank jean, Rowena for the suggestion to take it! Thanks Dr pPaula for realizing my reactionsare probably more to anxiety than asthma. I will let you know if any of this is true. Nighty night!
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Is there anything more boring than reading about..
Wacky drems someone else had? No, probably not. Because dreams mean something just to us. We alone have the keys to their interpretation if there's one to be had. They tend to inspired by any number of things, have always been endlessly fascinating to me... But sometimes it's just the result of eating bananas before one goes to bed or, these days, the oxycodone.
And one more thing.. If you are reading this..know that I realize there are numerous typos and crazy "intelligent" word substtutios automatically made by the word program in blogspot and I don't catch them all . Once I get bak to my laptop.. All this since sept 22 has been on the iPhone .. Entries may be less unintentionally cryptic!
And one more thing.. If you are reading this..know that I realize there are numerous typos and crazy "intelligent" word substtutios automatically made by the word program in blogspot and I don't catch them all . Once I get bak to my laptop.. All this since sept 22 has been on the iPhone .. Entries may be less unintentionally cryptic!
The mosque, oxycondone and becoming a prayer slut ...
Spending a lot of time in bed, half upright near a window lets you watch the day go by, the sun shine, the clouds gather, the lighting flash, the shadows come, the light rise.
And while doing this, I see a light pole and a rounded tree canopy transform itself as dusk fell into a very credible profile of a mosque and minaret.. So like Istanbul that I was instantly transported to that memory ..I even tried to take a series of pictures with mi iPhone but they don't capture it..only my eyes and imagination make it real .. A lot of what's been happening these days has been a bit like that.. One thing suggesting another suggesting another picking some other thought along the way and pretty soon I would find myself somewhere else entirely.
The days are punctuated by 4 p's: pain, pills, pee and poo. Now I write all the times down, just so I remember what to take when. Often I an jolted almost out of bed by the urgency to take care of any one of the ah- four- mentioned.
I note this not because thepain is so great. It just is, the day's currwhy phrase-du-jour, what it is. Knowing full well that I am not experiencing the half of it in terms of the pain I know is out there and being experienced by so so many.
The oxycodone: my little blue friend that simultaneously calms and frightens me ... And constipated. I was a bit panicked yesterday afternoon when the scrip hadn't
been filled and I had only 4 left til Monday but Dr Paula and mom's pharmacist came through and now I should be
good for the week. Now if I can figure out when exactly to take the senokot and colace for a smooth transitio I will be set . The oxy also probably causes crazy dreams..like today's which Laister variously of mom , Bruna ( who had in reality just arrived from OttawA)Dressed like middle Easter
Women in shiny caftans. I was somewhat paralyzed but when I spoke was saying " I am having a thtwoke , I am having a thtwoke .. Get me to a hothpitow" my mom saying "no you're going to be fine" me mumbling some more, Bruna saying okay let's go, me picking up pOlo who of clued was a baby and saying "I can't carry him . I have cancer. I've ha a hysterectomy . I can't carry more than 10 lbs" all the while running to find a car to go the the hospital . It turns out we are in an Italian town in the Veneto region. We are at a dead end and I an still carrying Paolo thinking he doesn't weigh much at all and he's so sweet a cuddly and smiling at me. We have guide taking us back to town. She says something about Polyps. Utero" and wee Paola asks "what's a ootero?" then we land outside a fish market where mom is trying to bribe a ride to the hospital by buying a huge fish and putting 40 euro or 40 thousand lira.. The money falls out.. I put it back .. We need to get to the nearest hospital we say oh Los of hospitals here but you need to go to Udine and we all pile in to a station wagon that was there all alongno bribe needed. And were packed in all of a sudden singing funny songs. And amusing the other shy children who never sang silly songs in a car ona road trip .
Thenstartled awake by Zia Lucy and Remy's visit .
All to segue to this additionally improbable observation.. During this time away from books, computers, fact- checking, etc as I write this blog.. I am just dipping into what's in the soupy brain mine... This sea of uncertain memory.
Prayer slut: And sometimes, new things suggest themselves. When I got a kind note from a publishing colleague that he was keeping me in thoughts and prayers I wrote back thanking him saying it was a real consolation and that I wAs becoming a bit o a prayer slut.
I have no idea what that really means although I'm working hard on a definition but it made me
Laugh just to think and then say it and then send it that it makesme think it's probably true.
And while doing this, I see a light pole and a rounded tree canopy transform itself as dusk fell into a very credible profile of a mosque and minaret.. So like Istanbul that I was instantly transported to that memory ..I even tried to take a series of pictures with mi iPhone but they don't capture it..only my eyes and imagination make it real .. A lot of what's been happening these days has been a bit like that.. One thing suggesting another suggesting another picking some other thought along the way and pretty soon I would find myself somewhere else entirely.
The days are punctuated by 4 p's: pain, pills, pee and poo. Now I write all the times down, just so I remember what to take when. Often I an jolted almost out of bed by the urgency to take care of any one of the ah- four- mentioned.
I note this not because thepain is so great. It just is, the day's currwhy phrase-du-jour, what it is. Knowing full well that I am not experiencing the half of it in terms of the pain I know is out there and being experienced by so so many.
The oxycodone: my little blue friend that simultaneously calms and frightens me ... And constipated. I was a bit panicked yesterday afternoon when the scrip hadn't
been filled and I had only 4 left til Monday but Dr Paula and mom's pharmacist came through and now I should be
good for the week. Now if I can figure out when exactly to take the senokot and colace for a smooth transitio I will be set . The oxy also probably causes crazy dreams..like today's which Laister variously of mom , Bruna ( who had in reality just arrived from OttawA)Dressed like middle Easter
Women in shiny caftans. I was somewhat paralyzed but when I spoke was saying " I am having a thtwoke , I am having a thtwoke .. Get me to a hothpitow" my mom saying "no you're going to be fine" me mumbling some more, Bruna saying okay let's go, me picking up pOlo who of clued was a baby and saying "I can't carry him . I have cancer. I've ha a hysterectomy . I can't carry more than 10 lbs" all the while running to find a car to go the the hospital . It turns out we are in an Italian town in the Veneto region. We are at a dead end and I an still carrying Paolo thinking he doesn't weigh much at all and he's so sweet a cuddly and smiling at me. We have guide taking us back to town. She says something about Polyps. Utero" and wee Paola asks "what's a ootero?" then we land outside a fish market where mom is trying to bribe a ride to the hospital by buying a huge fish and putting 40 euro or 40 thousand lira.. The money falls out.. I put it back .. We need to get to the nearest hospital we say oh Los of hospitals here but you need to go to Udine and we all pile in to a station wagon that was there all alongno bribe needed. And were packed in all of a sudden singing funny songs. And amusing the other shy children who never sang silly songs in a car ona road trip .
Thenstartled awake by Zia Lucy and Remy's visit .
All to segue to this additionally improbable observation.. During this time away from books, computers, fact- checking, etc as I write this blog.. I am just dipping into what's in the soupy brain mine... This sea of uncertain memory.
Prayer slut: And sometimes, new things suggest themselves. When I got a kind note from a publishing colleague that he was keeping me in thoughts and prayers I wrote back thanking him saying it was a real consolation and that I wAs becoming a bit o a prayer slut.
I have no idea what that really means although I'm working hard on a definition but it made me
Laugh just to think and then say it and then send it that it makesme think it's probably true.
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