Musical beds and other stories...

One of the fun things about writing this blog is that subject line...much like a good title can sell a book, a good headline can intrigue readers ...except of course my sister Bruna who doesn't read my blog and suggested that I read it to her. To think she's a beneficiary in my will!
Anyway, piquing though that header might be, it is no where near as piquant as it could ( or maybe should!) be. Today was simply moving day chez moi. Blair and Blaine who have been living here at Cowan while their own place is being renovated moved to Prill's from Downstairs where I only half-jokingly called them my indentured servants. They meticulously painted the hallway and Mary Fran's apt and with just their designers eyes turned it into something a
Worthy of Better Homes Than Ours.. Very stylish with little moe that a well applied lick of paint and subtle rearrangements of what was already there...so gone are the boys. Mary fran came home last night and loved it.. ESP the new tap that doesn't drip! And prill is now here for the next week or so as my "night nurse".. Her brother Jeff asked me if I'd seen Misery with Kathy Bates insinuating the obvious. Aren't siblings the best!
My world is big and small at the same time. I went up to my folks because I also needed more oxy to get me through the next visit to my doctor. I am Trying to get down to two a day.,today, however, I was up to four. Burning pain in my belly and now in my right leg woke me up in the middle of the night. Rowena says burning indicates nerve involvement. This was confirmed casually in phone conversation with Bill, Dr. Bill Schultz that would be.. So that's something new for me. These days It's as if I'm in a crazy orbit...touching here and there but not with any specific timing or regularity.. There's a name for that in Astronomy isn't there?but all contained in what has become my new little universe.

"What awful fucking luck" and other great responses to my reality...

That's what my crazy wild Irish friend Brendan wrote back when I told him about my cancer. I responded that, publishing types that we both are, it had the makings of a great book title. I coupled it with my "prayer slut" idea...to come up with "The Awful Fucking Luck of Me or How I Became a Prayer Slut".  I don't know... it has a bit of a ring to it, don't you think?  I loved him for saying what is in fact true. Damn it, cancer stinks.But the whole thing did make me grin from ear to ear and laugh on the inside (better to do this to safe the stitchwork).  Nice to do that when the pain kicks in and you're not sure whether the oxy and Adivin is going to do the magic thing and take the pain away AND let you sleep all night through. Although it did last night and for that I am grateful.

Every day comes with its own small victories, surprises...and they are all embarrasingly ordinary, banal really...that's why I haven't written for the last few days. No great revelations, no deep thoughts. Just things like: Not so constipated -boy, that' feels great!; I can bend my leg like so and it doesn't hurt - isn't that terrific?; I slept through the night - OMG, that is so great... Day by day, trying to stay calm, listen to my body, not over-do, and on and on an on.

Inc by inch, row by row, gonna watch my stitches go...

Mi stringe il cuor...

I think it's from an opera.. But here in the middle of the night, that wave of sadness came over me. It might be hormonal. Rowena warned me about this because of the hysterectomy. But I was also thanksgiving today and we had a beautiful meal. My sweet little mother put herself out to make her incredible gnocchi from scratch, little angel pillows of potato dough, light as a feather. Bruna, my deR sister who doesn't evn read this blog(harrumph!) brought the gift of wonderful Torta de mele, apple cake, for me from her friend Anna. I was just floored by this amazing generosity all around me. I think it was my mother packing me up with stewed prunes, baked apples, frozen packets of 'bledis' beet tops, good for me, trying to not betray the worry for me being home without someone to take care of mr. But I saw it cross her face. Mara Q came by back from her triP to Italy and Austria with the loveliest little handcarved nativity with a liile baby Jesus that come out of his mothers lap. Then Bruna and Paolo drove me home. Paolo my handsome almost 17 year old nephew..so much love poured out on that boy from all of us..me his Zazz "can I hug you?" he's shy and unexpectedly solicitous. I know he worries too. We all do. CAlm on the surface, anxious underneath, afraid to say any of that out loud. And that's why tonight I cried maybe for the first time. Prill was here and sat with me as I kept breaking down...until I was calm and able to breathe deeply again... It's probably the hormones but that doesn't mean my heart isn't wrung or wrenched or just wrapped tight by all of this. Sad, blessed, grateful all the while and allay the same time.

It's not over til its over

Ive ben home almost two whole days now. Prill and Rowena packed me up from mom and dad's and we made our way slowly down to Parkdale, avoiding as much traffic as we could and as many bumps in the orad as we could. because bumping doesn't help, I'm here to tell you. I couldn't wait to open the door of my house. The Hemp in the foyer is perfect. The Farrow and Ball Blue Ground is a nice change but I'm not 100% sure yet but it is a great improvement. On looking at it again I am tempted to call i Immaculate Conception Blue..not my favourite colour..but it works with the wood and it'll be there until I can't stand it anymore. Which will be a few years yet.

Prill and Rowe made up the beds upstairs, one for me, one for Nurse Rowena. What a privilege to have one's own friend and nurse to calm all the uneasiness that still beleaguers. me.
It's hard to know if it's the drugs. I am down to one oxy when needed and trying to do with extra strength Tylenols . I have Adavin for night time but I am afraid to take it. I am afraid of letting go.

Blaine, God bless his little OCD soul, cleared all the decks in the kitchen and, even though it took a while to find a few things, it was immeasurably improved. And I meekly agreed I would do my best, do my duty, to God and to my Blaine to try to keep a place for everything and everything in it's place. ("For now" the little demon in me whispered).

The first night, I didn't sleep well again even though I took the Adavin. All this is boring talk, I know. If things don't go well, I will not likely be one of those people of whom it is said, "oh,..she was in a lot of pain..but she never complained". I am not sure I will be an award-winning stoic.  But I am determined to document the process, the thoughts, the feelings of what I am going through. I cannot imagine I am so different from everyone else. And it sometimes gives you courage to keep going when you know it's part of the process and not just something that will never end.

Like falling asleep. Like the problems with constipation. Update...last night I tried a suppository. Wasn't more impressively successful that the Sennokot or Colace (red  pills).  This is maybe the most annoying part of the recovery. I am afraid to eat anything I think may constrict or impede. And I will ask Prill to get me something Rowe said is called TUCKS which are little pads that ease bum pain in the you know what...which is, of course, burning because of the constant effort.

This morning Rowena left after kindly spending the night by my side til I finally fell asleep on the couch (where I often fell asleep anyway pre surgery). I might try it again tonight. I saw her this morning as she left for Carleton Place and home with Nic and Kate at about 7:28. Later I saw she'd left a little note: Lauretta  you were sleeping deeply. I love you. HEAL. REST.  Rowena.

Thank you for making me feel so safe, Rowena. It means so much. It makes me want to do the same for someone else. That "not being alone".."don't let me die alone" etc. is something we hear echoed in tales of the sick and dying. Perhaps it's because we are not meant to be alone. We are born from someone. We started connected. So it is some how terrible if we leave disconnected.

Anyway, then  I hauled myself up to my own true bed and slept for a couple more hours. Then down here after 10.

Blair, my dear friend, came brightly up the stairs with two soft boiled eggs for breakfast just as I was about to tuck into my roughage and fibre filled cereal. So instead I had eggs, a bit of bread and 1 can of V8.that's probably good, right?  That shouldn't hurt.

It's been a glorious two days and I can't tell how exquisite the light has been coming through my eyebrow window in the morning, all golden and green, just the top branches of the giant maple in front of the hous. I feel like I'm in a tree-top aerie.And when I come down, it seems to me that today the sky is the colour of the hallway walls and I like that Idea. The trees are all golden with bits of red. And I look around my room and see all the signs of love and well wishes...Dorothea's beautiful orchid, John and Sue's jade plant with a heart shaped stone imbeeded in it that says "family", Ron's card with a maple leaf waxed and pressed to it, Rowena's Roncie treats: organic figs, Panda licorice, halvah and Barley's Naturally Better Mints. Another beautiful unexpected bouquet of fuschia day lilies and snapdragons from Sergio, Antonia, Delia and her Mihevcs! I am feeling so coddled and cared for.

So, two days and now, early this morning, Rowena left to go back to her family. Prill will come for the weekend and then ?. .not sure if I will go back home to recouperate some more or just take one day at a time as it comes here. Blair and Blaine will be hear. Mary Fran will be back on the 15th. I have lots of stuff all around me to do and read and places to lie down and snooze if I wish.

We'll see. We'll see.  Happy Thanksgiving, Deo Gratias,  for all this.

The apple of our eyes is gone

Such sad news to hear that Steve Jobs died today I was going to say " passed away" which certainly sounds better than he "passed" which seems to be the current parlance. We are afraid to say "died". He touched so many lives, he had so much passion. He wanted these amazing objects he created to unite people. I love him and thank him because he cared for beauty and science. Thank you Steve Jobs! You let us play with the wonders of the universe. You delighted in delighting us. Thank you. May light embrace you!

Taking Adivan-tage of the situation...

Sometime you just cain't hep yoself.
Anyway I am under the influence as I write this. Rowena is here in the next room "on call". Could I ever ask for better friends? What would be the point? I already have them. Still a bit of pain, still a bit of breathing panic but last night I just went to sleep and woke almost 8 hrs later. I can't recall sleeping like that in years. Also slept all morning and then more in the aft. Wow!
Good night, all you angels of mercy gathered round me!

Being in stitches, busting a gut and Harry Belafonte

Be prepared for a series of bad puns...
Let's start with Harry Belafonte... Or in my case it's more hairy belly fountain... That's was my belly was.. Actually more like a fountain fire.. That's what it felt like.. Hot around those 40 plus stitches.. Which came ot today. I asked Dr Paula to save them for me.. I might do something crafty with them, I said. Earrings? Necklace? Who knows? But they look like little sideways crabs- 2 legs/arms with a little peak in the middle. Cancer..the ultimate crab.
Busting a gut.. Now I possibly could given that the stitches are out each side is now pulling for it's own, I guess. I find myself protectively holding my belly all day in case it ecides it doesn't want to stay friends with the other side..
Andone more thing before I hopefully deft off to dreamland.. The last two nights found me sleepless until 4 and 3 am respectively. Why? I felt one night I cVoulnt breathe and last night I couldn't swallow. Not being able to sleep or being awakened when you are just about todrift off by the need to breathe or swallow.. All resulting in no sleep for hours.. You understand how it can make you crazy. Well guess what, folks? There's an answer: it's called Adivan.
Thank jean, Rowena for the suggestion to take it! Thanks Dr pPaula for realizing my reactionsare probably more to anxiety than asthma. I will let you know if any of this is true. Nighty night!