This is all interesting, how it works. Jean had suggested a couple of questions to ask my nurse 1)Will pain medication have been ordered so it would be immediately available after surgery 2) Is my doctor actually going to be the one doing all the surgery and suturing. You want the answer to both of those questions to be YES. The date of the surgery had me worried because of the delay in the diagnostic process..basically from the date of my sonohystogram Dec 22, 2010 to the Polypectomy/D&C on Aug 16 with the pathology report Aug 25 saying it was a low grade, stage 2 cancer. Now, the truth is it might be at that stage for a while but the good news is that I'll be having the surgery less than four weeks after meeting with the doctor. Which makes me feel good even though now I am, of course, scared about the surgery! One freak out at a time, right. Inside only of course. On the face of it, calm, sanguine, relaxed, matter-of-fact. Inside, 'What if I die during the surgery?", then of course, if I survive that, "What is I have a blod clot and it goes right to my heart and I die the?', After that "What if the stitches come undone, or what if I hemorrhage?' And after that, and after that..just a torrent of things to go wrong. All my free-floating anxiety is now stuck to every molecule, every cell of this cancer and it will be, I know, for a long time. So, for the moment, it is, in its own crazy way, my free-floating anxiety is anchored to something real. I suppose there's something to be said for that.
In the meantime, I am clearing the decks around my house getting ready for convalescence and putting all my ducks in a row...making little piles with my will, financial reports, etc etc should they be needed. It sounds a little morbid, I know, but it's also soothing and calming, this "getting ready for any eventuality." Like taking little baby steps to the idea, if not the inevitability and undeniable certainty of my own death.
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