Yes yes very bad .. Not very funny .. But it is seven days since the operation. It's been an experience, needless to say , with ups and downs, moments qof panic . Like yesterday I was so proud of myself for trying the radicchio and espresso. Thismorning I paid for it with gas pains and depressed that there was still pain. I'm worried about the redness around the stitches so I phone . The onco nurses advice is 'Read what we gave you"; and "dr Kupets isn't here today. If you are worried, go to you own doctor" "I took pictures with my iPhone of the stitches.. Can you tell me if I need to worry? "if you are worried call your own doctor". So that call went nowhere. I'm frustrated and want someone over here to give me a definitive answer. I sent pics to Jean and she said they looked okay and maybe only one little area looked "angry".. That's med talk for " maybe problematic". But of course, it all looks "angry" to me. Maybe I am the angry one. I feel my own temperature rising! Mom checks and it's just shy of 37 c.. Up a few lines from the last time we took my temp a day or so ago.
Nothing is sure. Doctors at the hospital say I'll be getting a call from Dr Ks receptionist for a followup appt in two to three weeks. Onco nurse says"no no four to five weeks. No pathology reports until then. In fact I'll book you in right now for October 26'" ihave my own private consult with my self and decide I'll call Dr Ks office directly.
Out of control is how I feel.
The other thing I am learning and trying to take to heart is "take the medication"' Rowena s
And jean both say it's crucial. Thank god for the two of them! They are an absolute blessing. You realize that once you are in the cancer stream, you are just one of the countless many who have it.. You are perforce a unit, a file, a case. They don't see "you" because it is all overwhelming in terms of numbers. You are just one of the bodies entering the revolving door in and out of the hospital.
When I call my own doctor to see if she will give me a scrip to top up the oxycodone just in case I run out before I see her Monday at 11:30, the message on the and machine ends with "if you are a patient of DrPs, please note that she had a very sick family member overseas and may have to leave the country at any moment and so we cannot book any appts for eg eg etc"'
I leave a message anywY now worried she won't be there on Monday for the removal of my stitches.. And feel bad for her too because she is as helpless against the cycle of life and death as I am.
And I take my medication and say my prayers, both religiously.
In some ways there is a letdown after this kind of experience. You have had lots of one-on-one care and concern from the medical types, then whoosh you're out the door and no one will take your calls. I remember this from when Eric was born. I went from queen of the world to yesterday's news in the blink of an eye, and there I was at 2 a.m. on day 2 with a baby that wouldn't stop crying and no milk coming in yet... So if it's any comfort at all, I think it's part of the process of healing and getting stronger and realizing you can actually do this. You are doing it!
ReplyDeleteGreat idea for people who have had surgery, though: a kind of midwife who checks on you every day, relieves your worries about the incision, tells you all is well or knows how to fix things that need fixing.
Got any good books to read? Distraction is the best medicine (plus oxy, of course!). Napping is good too. And remember Julian of Norwich. That gal had a great take on things.
Love,
Anne Louise